GTS? WTF does that mean?

Seeing the quizzical look on my face, the uber-hip dude took a moment to decipher the acronym for me. Turns out GTS is digital speak for “Google That Sh*t.” Who knew?

At first I felt like a boomer who didn’t get the memo that it’s not cool to seek advice these days, and for the next little while I didn’t dare ask anybody anything without researching every aspect of it to avoid annoying them. But then I thought about it some more, and realized that young man was right – to a degree.

With so much information available at our fingertips, not doing our homework can be, well, lazy. Yet, even though it’s more efficient to look things up on our own, I can’t help but wonder if doing so all the time is having a negative impact on our ability to share information and have meaningful conversations.

This discussion isn’t new. I remember meeting an executive at a corporate reception a couple of years ago who was bemoaning the fact that he’s just too busy to deal with what he called “the niceties” of peer-to-peer communication. According to him, there just aren’t enough hours in the day to swap insignificant comments of courtesy. When he said, “I wish people would just get to the point” it struck such a chord in me that I Tweeted about it, suggesting that maybe he’s missing the point:

Today's Civilitweet: Someone told me they have no time for 'niceties'-they want to get to the point. Perhaps they're missing the point?—
Sue Jacques (@TheCivilityCEO) February 22, 2011

The fact that we’re even having a conversation about the basics of social intercourse is disturbing. Yes, times have changed, and so have our methods of communication. But have we gotten to the point where we have to worry about the appropriateness of saying thank you? Has it become necessary for us to walk on eggshells because asking a genuine question could potentially aggravate someone? Do we really live in a world where prefacing a request with the word please is considered going over-the-top?

The answers to those questions can be found in two words: perspective and sincerity. It’s common to get frustrated when the same person asks us the same question for the umpteenth time, and most of us can relate to the rolling of eyes or shrugging of shoulders when we lose patience with someone’s unwillingness to figure things out on their own. That’s where perspective comes in. You’ve been there and done that, so before airing your exasperation, take a second to consider where the other person is coming from.

It’s a short leap from curt to courteous, and I urge you to take it. You have every right to express your sincere gratitude, ask for clarification and exchange pleasantries, despite how other people may respond.

And for those of you who are disturbed by discourse, please understand that most of us don’t say “nice” things to take up your valuable time; we say them because we mean them. Before you blow people off due to your schedule, consider how you’ll feel when a person who’s guidance you need doesn’t have time for you or someone you went out of your way to help can’t be bothered to say thanks.

Getting too caught up in busyness may mean losing out on business. Civility is the new currency, so if you want to succeed, please continue to punctuate your conversations with politeness. Thank you!

Like many of us, I used to be a Yes-person, agreeing to do things I knew were either out of my realm, a strain on my schedule, or of absolutely no interest to me. All that changed after a recent experience that led to an epiphany about another way to say no.

It started with an invitation to speak at a corporate event, and it was all wrong from the get-go. The date was inconvenient, the location was out of the way and the pay was lousy. But the meeting planner presented such a convincing case that I just didn’t have the heart to turn her down. So, despite my better judgment, I agreed to do something that my gut was nudging me to dodge.

From the second I said yes I knew I’d made the wrong decision. Things went from bad to worse on the day of the event; turnout was poor, people were late and even the meeting organizer was a no-show. To top it off, her stand-in – who ran through the door at the last minute to greet the professionally clad audience – was inexplicably wearing pyjama bottoms. Despite all that we got the program underway on time, and the event was a success.

When all was said and done, that awkward experience ended up being one of the most valuable of my career. As I walked to my car following the event I realized that if I’d paid attention to the messages my soul was sending at the very beginning, I would have easily avoided getting involved in something that wasn’t a good fit.

It can be hard to forego an invitation or opportunity, even when things feel out of sync. We often say yes to commitments that feel more like burdens than benefits only because we have no idea how not to. We may think we’ll be disappointing someone if we say no or that saying yes will make us more likeable or accepted. Either way, the time we subsequently spend doing things we’d prefer not to can never be recovered.

That’s where a new way of saying no comes in. This unique perspective will make it easy for you to make firm decisions from now on, and it’s easy to do. Simply listen to your instincts when making choices, and whenever you hear that little voice inside you screaming, “Don’t do it!” replace the word no with the word know.

It may sound the same to them, but it’s coming from a completely different part of you. Your inner voice always knows what is best for you, and honouring it empowers you to say no with confidence. So, the next time you’re asked to participate in something you’re not interested in, reply with, “I appreciate your invitation. My answer is know.” If you feel obligated to say yes to yet another committee position or unnecessary meeting, say, “My schedule is full right now. I’m going to say know.”

Looking at the word know is revealing, because it actually contains the word no within it. It’s like the letters on either end are parentheses, pillows if you will, to soften the blow of no. Think of the K on one end representing Knowledge and the W on the other end representing Wisdom. From that angle, saying no actually becomes easy.

Give it a try…you never know what might happen. Just last week I was invited to a corporate function that I knew I didn’t have time to attend, and this time I wasn’t even tempted to say yes. Instead, I listened to myself, smiled and effortlessly said, “Know, thank you!”

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Sue Jacques is The Civility CEO™, a speaker, writer, professionalism coach and executive consultant who helps individuals and businesses gain confidence, earn respect and create courteous corporate cultures.

www.TheCivilityCEO.com

©Copyright 2013 Sue Jacques ~ The Civility CEO™. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share as long as the message is intact and the writer is credited. Thank you.

What to do when you hear about the unexpected death of a colleague

Though it is upsetting to even think about, there may come a time in your career when you receive news that a person you work with has suddenly died. Whether it’s a client or a co-worker, and whether you worked side-by-side or in different cities, the tragedy of an unanticipated death will naturally cause intense emotions and lead to a multitude of previously unthinkable questions. This is, after all, not a topic that normally comes up at the water cooler.

I was recently approached by a tearful young woman who quietly asked me for advice following my presentation at a corporate conference.  Taking a deep breath and a long look around, she shared with me that she was notified the night before that one of her colleagues had been killed in a car accident. She was shocked, and confided that she didn’t know what to do when she returned to work or what to say to her co-worker’s family members – none of whom she had ever met – at the upcoming memorial service. Like a lot of people, she had never attended a funeral before.

Thankfully, most of us don’t have to deal with very many deaths in our lifetime. My experience is different. During my former career at the Medical Examiner’s Office I investigated thousands of sudden deaths and notified hundreds of people of the unexpected, often violent, death of a loved one. For almost two decades I was the person you never wanted to see on the other side of your front door.

Of the countless life lessons I learned from that experience, this one stands out: There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘normal’ way to deal with the sudden passing of someone we know. How we grieve is as individual as who we are, and our cultural, personal and religious backgrounds all play a role in our response. With that in mind, here are 6 suggestions that my help you cope with the confusion of learning that a person you work with has passed away:

1.   Sit down.  Hearing this kind of news can literally take your breath away. You may find it helpful to sit or lie down for a few minutes to absorb the shock. If you are in the position of having to announce the news to other people at work, either in person or over the phone, ask them to have a seat before telling them what has happened.

2.   Collect your thoughts. Whether you’re alone or with a group of colleagues under these circumstances, it will take time to begin thinking clearly again. Allow yourself a private or communal moment of grace to let the disbelief sink in. Clarity will reappear for different people at different times, and may come in and out of focus.

3.     Reach out.   You may want to call or visit another co-worker, a friend, family member or spiritual mentor to help you deal with the unexpected emotions that arise. It is perfectly acceptable to want to talk, cry, ask questions or feel an overwhelming need to be held.  If you are in a supervisory position, do whatever you can to provide support for your staff.

4.     Write it down. Time and time again people have told me how much they value and treasure the sentiments expressed about their loved one in sympathy cards. Don’t be afraid to send a thoughtful, personalized note to the family, even though you may not know them.

 5.    Introduce yourself.   If there is a public memorial service and you are able to attend, try to do so. Being there will provide you with an opportunity to honour your late colleague and learn more about their life. If you have a chance to meet the family, tell them about your connection and share a special memory.

6.     Remember.  Grief doesn’t end when the funeral is over. Returning to work may be difficult, and a period of adjustment can be expected. Continue to reflect with your workmates; many charities have been founded or helped by the joint efforts of a group of co-workers who have lost a valued member of their professional family.

Hopefully you will never have to use this advice. But if you do, like the distraught young lady who came to me at the conference, I hope these points help ease your pain.

____________________________________________________________

Sue Jacques is The Civility CEO™, a speaker, writer and executive consultant whose mission is to reverse rudeness and create courteous cultures. Sue helps individuals and businesses gain confidence and earn respect.

www.TheCivilityCEO.com

©Copyright 2012 Sue Jacques ~ The Civility CEO™. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share as long as the message is intact and the writer is credited. Thank you.

Those days are over. Recent global acts of brutal, seemingly random violence have changed everything, at least for me.

It took me a long while to learn to trust society following my years as a forensic death investigator. After examining thousands of maimed bodies, notifying hundreds of people of the unexpected loss of a loved one, and trying to piece together the details of countless inexplicably senseless deaths, I can now see that I came away somewhat tainted. After all, when someone’s life is centered around death, what else can you expect?

What I began to realize, about half-way through my career in forensics, was that I was witnessing a much, much larger death – the death of civility. As crimes became more vicious, the people committing them became less accountable. It was always something or someone else’s fault.

Since leaving the profession almost a decade ago, I have gradually stopped looking over my shoulder and questioning everyone’s motives, words and actions. It’s not that I was overly suspicious; it’s that I lived in a completely different reality than most other individuals I knew. For years my norm was to be lied to, confronted, and challenged by perfect strangers, many of them criminals. Most of the people I spent my working hours with had been murdered, taken their own lives, succumbed to unbelievable forces of nature, died in an accident, or were grieving.

But I also experienced incredible moments of grace, where – after delivering the worst blow someone would ever receive in their life – I had the opportunity to hug and hold shattered, distraught human beings up by the heart strings.

I have slowly let my guard down. Not all the way, mind you. I doubt that I’ll ever enter a concert hall, hotel or airplane without naturally taking note of the closest exit, a habit I developed decades ago. I still double-check windows and doors, watch my back, am hyper-vigilant about my personal property, and watchful over the people I love.

But shopping? Going to a movie? Attending a community carnival? I’m pretty chill.

That said, I must admit that during a trip to Washington, DC a couple of weeks ago I couldn’t help but remember the horrific sniper incident a few years back. And when I was dining at a table next to a blinged-out shifty-eyed dude who was simultaneously working 4 cell phones in a swank Vancouver restaurant recently, I suddenly recalled a story in that morning’s paper about  gang-style shootouts  that were happening in the area. Frankly, in both of those circumstances I felt ever-so-slightly on edge.

It doesn’t need to be that way.

Fatal disrespect is omnipresent. Believe me, I’m not here to preach Pollyanna do-gooder BS to change the world. But for goodness’ sake, we have to do something. Because somewhere near you – either in your own home, down the street or in the local cyber-café – someone is zoned out in front of a screen or clutching a handheld device and virtually killing other people, or birds, or cartoon characters, with their thumbs … and loving it.

You cannot convince me that that behavior hasn’t changed our society. Hollywood, electronic game-makers and any variety of “Super-Heroes” have all glorified and profited from rudeness and death. Sadly, incivility and disrespect sell. And kill.

It’s not just the entertainment industry that plays a role in all this. We have let our ability to courteously communicate with one another slide as quickly as we’ve lowered our collective standards regarding our behavior in public, at home and on our roadways.

The fine lines between normal, naïve and nuts are becoming increasingly blurred. That’s why I’m suggesting we all do our part to make a positive change. Too many good, innocent people are being scared and scarred, and far, far too many people are being slaughtered by partaking in pastimes that simply gave them pleasure, like going to a movie, studying for exams or celebrating with friends and family at a neighborhood block party.

Beginning right now – this minute – please become an ambassador for civility. I’m not talking about just being nicer or more easy-going. What I’m suggesting is that we all decide to embrace mutual respect as a foundation on which we stand. There will always be “my” way and “your” way of doing things. Let’s find “our” way. A way that leads us towards more accountability, sincerity and brotherhood, rather than providing countless avenues of forensic fantasy for deranged, volatile individuals to spend their utterly messed-up lives on.

This challenge isn’t up to a government to fix – we must stop playing that blame game. What we’re dealing with is far too big for that kind of thinking. This isn’t someone else’s problem, it’s ours. Yours and mine. Face it; we all played a role in creating these circumstances. Let’s put our hearts and heads together and our differences aside to find realistic solutions. We’re smart enough to conquer this, don’t you think?

Civility is not about rules and regulations, it’s about character and conduct. Those are two guiding principles we can build from. I’m willing to stake my life on it. Are you?

____________________________________________________________

Sue Jacques is The Civility CEO™, a speaker, writer and executive consultant whose mission is to reverse rudeness and create courteous cultures. Sue helps individuals and businesses gain confidence and earn respect.

www.TheCivilityCEO.com

©Copyright 2012 Sue Jacques ~ The Civility CEO™. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share as long as the message is intact and the writer is credited. Thank you.

R – Relax: An audience, even if it consists of only one or two people, will read your body language before you even open your mouth, so it’s imperative that you are calm. Before entering the room or taking your turn to speak, pause and take a slow, deep breath. Whenever possible, stand up when you are speaking. Doing so will help you gain the attention that you need to effectively share your messages, and it shows people that you expect to be taken seriously. Avoid crossing your arms or fidgeting; simply let your hands rest by your side. You may want to practice and record your presentation or conversational points on your smartphone, tablet or video recorder. This is much more effective than practicing in front of a mirror because it enables you to watch yourself and correct any body language or pace issues that are detracting from the power of your words.

E – Expect: In order to communicate with clarity, it is vital that you know what you want to accomplish. The best way to do this is to prepare ahead of time. Prior to a meeting, presentation or conversation, decide what you would like to achieve, share, ask or learn. Only then will you be able to stay on topic and make sure your goals are met. This is particularly valuable for difficult or challenging discussions, which is when you must always stick to facts over opinions or feelings. By pre-determining precisely the points you want to make, the answers you need to obtain, or the objectives you wish you reach, you will be much more likely to meet your expectations.

L – Listen: It is very common, especially when we feel nervous, to lose our ability to listen to what others are saying. We often get so anxious and worried about what we’re going to say that we can’t concentrate on anything else, and we may miss hearing a vital question or comment. If you jumble the letters in the word LISTEN they spell SILENT, and you must be do both in order to communicate effectively. This means silencing your emotions, your thoughts and your vocal cords. Active listening is a skill that can be honed with practice. Making and maintaining eye contact with a speaker is one way to become a more engaged listener; minimizing physical distractions is another. Make a point of clearing your mind when someone else is speaking so you can focus on everything they have to say.

A – Agenda: When we find ourselves in the spotlight or on the spot, we may forget everything we want to say. That’s where making a mental note with 3 main points can help. Associating those 3 points with an easy to remember acronym will help even more. When I was a guest on Oprah Radio I knew that I didn’t want to leave the studio without discussing 3 powerful elements of civility: communication, outlook and actions. To remember those points I associated them with my good friend, whose nickname is Wab. As a result, it was easy for me remember the topics as Words, Actions and Behaviors. You can do the same by connecting your points with a name or expression that jogs your memory when you’re in a stressful situation.

T – Tone: The tone of your voice may naturally change when you feel concerned about conversing. You may find that it becomes raspy, quiet, high-pitched or rapid. Try to lower your pitch and s-l-o-w d-o-w-n. These vocal changes often feel much more amplified to us than to our audience. People usually only notice what you share with them, so don’t state that you’re uncomfortable. Drink plenty of water and have small breath mints available to slip under your tongue to keep your throat from getting parched. You may find it helpful to visualize your presentation as a relaxed conversation with friends, a tactic that can take the pressure off and help you maintain a steady voice.

E – Express: Finally, it’s time to speak! Know in your heart that you have the right to express yourself. As long as you relate to others in a respectful and diplomatic manner, you can’t go wrong. So share your thoughts, ideas, questions and concerns with pride. By being prepared, calm and astute, you’ll have them hanging on your every word!

_______________________________________________________________________________

Sue Jacques is The Civility CEO™, an executive consultant who helps individuals & businesses gain confidence, earn respect and create courteous corporate cultures.

www.TheCivilityCEO.com

©Copyright 2012 Sue Jacques ~ The Civility CEO™. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share as long as the message is intact and the writer is credited. Thank you.

For years I had the misfortune of working with someone who was disrespectful, unpredictable and moody. Some would call him a bully; I called him a jerk.

Because I wanted to be ‘nice’, I tolerated his behavior. I thought that if I said anything I’d be rocking the proverbial boat, and was seriously concerned that I might be reprimanded because he was in a position of higher authority than me.

I wasn’t alone – his boorish behavior affected almost everyone at work. Like the wind, you never knew when his temperament would shift. He was a tall, lanky, volatile force to be reckoned with.

One day he humiliated me in front of my colleagues – yet again. An awkward silence fell over the room, and I could tell by the looks on people’s faces that they could feel my embarrassment. They also appeared relieved that it wasn’t their turn to be lambasted.

But this time something was different for me. For some reason I decided it was the last straw.

For the first and only time in my professional life, I was ready to quit. As I was sitting at my desk preparing to gather my belongings and walk out the door of my office, leaving my hard-earned career behind, he walked in. My back was to him as he leaned in to my workspace and carried on with his diatribe.

Something came over me. It was a sense of profound peace, and to this day I can recall how completely unexpected the feeling was, because until then his mere presence would rile me.

I knew in my heart that I would no longer put up with his behavior. I was done.

As I turned in my chair to face him, I was smiling. It was a smile that came from deep within my soul. I paused, looked him square in the eyes and said, “We need to talk.”

He got the strangest, most fearful look on his face. Averting my gaze, he replied, “Do you think we could do it over the phone?”

“No,” I countered. “Please sit down.”

I arose from my chair and closed the door, not really sure what I was about to say. In that instant I knew the right words would come, and I was suddenly certain I wouldn’t be resigning that day. I loved my work, and I’d toiled too long and too hard to walk away from a career that had taken me years to advance. It was the best job I’d ever had.

It’s hard to remember exactly what words were exchanged. I know I was remarkably calm and spoke only for myself. I know that my statements included a declaration that I would no longer allow him – or anyone else – to treat me that way again (something I probably needed to hear as much as he did). I recall specifically asking why he thought he had the right to publicly demean his staff. He didn’t have an answer.

What I have absolute clarity about was his utter astonishment that I was calling him out on his actions. He simply couldn’t believe that anyone would have the guts to confront him.

I’m sure he’d gotten away with that kind of behavior his entire life, and he tried to wiggle out of accountability this time by claiming he had no idea he was coming across as a tyrant. I think I may have seen tears well up in his eyes, but I’m not sure. I know he didn’t apologize.

Because I would no longer accept anything less than diplomacy, our discussion was courteous, professional and to the point.

That conversation changed my life. In a heartbeat I gained enough self-esteem to replace being nice (and not speaking up for fear of retribution) with being civil (and having a long overdue, frank discussion).

That man and I continued to work together until I outgrew the job, and – though his antics persisted with others – he never treated me discourteously again. And neither has anyone else since.

What I realize now is that he didn’t change, I did. And that has made all the difference in the world.

Here are 6 civility suggestions that may help you deal with a jerk at work:

1. Take your time: Backlash occurs when we erupt and speak too quickly, because that’s when our emotions cloud our messages. It can also mean we don’t have enough time to discuss things completely. Simmer down before speaking up. But don’t wait as long as I did to address the problem. I still believe that bringing my concerns up sooner would have alleviated months, if not years, of angst.
2. Be direct: This isn’t the time to dance around your issues.  Be very clear about the points you want to make, and avoid inundating the other person with a long list of concerns. In order to keep the conversation on topic you must have absolute clarity about details and be solid in your position.  In fact, it’s advisable to write things down beforehand so you can summarize the facts in an organized, succinct fashion.
3. Speak for yourself: It’s tempting in this kind of discourse to bring up everything negative that anyone else has ever said about the person you’re speaking with. Unless you have been asked to represent a group, do not mention a word about the complaints of others. This is an opportunity for you to express your unique experiences and concerns. If other people have something to say, leave it up to them to do so on their own time.
4. Hear them out: Listen to the other person’s point of view. It is likely that they see things very differently than you do. Allow them the opportunity to tell their side of the story and listen attentively for nuggets that may help you gain a deeper understanding of their perspective. Civility includes being open-minded enough to respectfully allow others the chance to share their opinions and frame their context, even if you disagree. What you’re striving for is a dialogue, not a dispute.
5. Don’t apologize: There’s no need to say “I’m sorry” for someone else’s belittling behavior or condescending attitude, yet often we’re made to feel as though we should apologize. Resist the urge. You do not need to seek forgiveness for honestly expressing yourself in a respectful manner (operative term being “respectful”).
6. Move on: When the conversation is over and a conclusion has been reached, let it go. Even if the result of the dialogue is to agree to disagree or to take your concerns to the next level of the organization … when it’s over, it’s over. For the sake of your soul, try not to revisit the experience over and over again in your mind. Doing so can lead to resentment and remorse, when what you really want is resolution.

Though I never would have believed it at the time, in hindsight I’m thankful for this experience.  Confronting that man enabled me to learn my limits. It also allowed me to recognize his behaviors in others, ultimately empowering me to deal with incivility before it gets out of hand. If you are ever in the challenging position of being toe-to-toe with a tormentor, I urge you to remember to stick to facts over feelings. That level of courtesy will trump conflict every time.

Sue Jacques is The Civility CEO™, an executive consultant who helps individuals & businesses gain confidence, earn respect and create courteous corporate cultures.

www.TheCivilityCEO.com

Do you have a conundrum for The Civility CEO™? Please send it to advice@TheCivilityCEO.com. Your question could be featured in an upcoming post!

©Copyright 2012 Sue Jacques ~ The Civility CEO™. All rights reserved. You are welcome to copy, quote or share as long as the content is intact and the writer is credited. Thank you!

“Thanks to you, Sue, I recently came up with a good response to panhandlers on the street (there are so many here in San Francisco that you have to be ready for them). When they ask me for money, I say “No, thank you”.

Honestly, I think most of them don’t know what to think, but they’re definitely not used to hearing “thank you”. My hope is that a touch of civility might activate a shred of pride in these people while also allowing me to not feel bad by always giving a negative response.

The idea came to me one day because I asked “What would Sue do?”

Thank you, Sue.
John

PS: This morning, a panhandler replied with “Good answer”. That was a first for me and it proves that people listen.”

Thank you, John.  It warms my heart to hear that I may have inspired you to warm the hearts of others. We can each make a difference by treating others with respect, no matter where, when or why our paths cross. It helps to remember that civility doesn’t care about the color of someone’s collar.

Every 4 years, at the end of February, we get a quirky extra day. Even though it’s a day unlike any other, there’s no holiday, parade or special celebration. It’s simply a funky little 24-hour period that someone throws into the mix to even out the calendar.

This year, I decided to do something different on February 29^th. So I took my ‘spare’ day off, and declared it to be Unday; a day to uncomplicate and simplify my life.

It started out differently than most, because instead of going for a long run, I only had time for a walk around the block. What a gorgeous, sunny day we had! I’ve always found that getting some exercise in the morning is a critical for keeping me grounded and focused. But today I had a lunch date, so I didn’t have much time. And you know me … permanently punctual!

I’ve been in a conundrum about the amount of cyber-clutter in my life. And so today, Unday, became the day for me to set some boundaries.  I’m doing this by methodically unfollowing, unsubscribing and unfriending (what a nasty word!). No offense to anyone; but I can only communicate effectively with so many people at a time. I really need to hunker down these days, and I’m finding it increasingly counterproductive to keep up with everyone on the myriad social networking sites. Thanks for your understanding.

Do you remember Davy Jones? He was one of the cofounders of the Monkees. I heard that he died unexpectedly today. How unfortunate. I remember when the sound of his voice would transport me! The Monkees were so unique. Their song Pleasant Valley Sunday was one of my favorites.  I guess there’ll be another celebrity funeral. I suspect it will be understated, given that most youngsters don’t even know who he was.

There was a ground-breaking announcement today. Oprah is coming to Canada! It seems that everyone in the country is lining up for tickets. There are even junkets planned to transport fans to the venue. What abundance she has! Some people shun her, but I give her credit; she’s said some profound things over the years. Plus, she’s given so many people amazing opportunities, including me. I’ve had the privilege of being on Oprah Radio and OWN – Oprah Winfrey Network. It still astounds me that I’ve had such good fortune!

Well, my extra day is coming to an end, and it’s time to do a bunch of laundry. It’s back to business tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed your extra day as much as I did!

**Dear Reader**

This entire post is a great big pun. It’s been so much fun to write! I recounted my day honestly, and every word is true, but it is intentionally laced with the letters “un”, in honor of Unday. Your job is to hunt for them all. Let me know how many you found!

After reading a few of these letters, I began to wonder about the year ahead. If 2012 sent us a message, what would it say? It might go something like this …

Dear Humankind,

Hey. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m 2012, and I just moved in. Since we’ll be spending the next 365 days together, I thought I’d send you this note so you can learn more about me and my hopes, wishes and intentions.

My family, the Years, comes from a long line of accomplishments and challenges. And, just when we think we’ve seen it all, something always seems to sneak up from behind to surprise us.

Right before he left, my older brother, 2011, sat me down and told me all about the heartbreaks and joys you experienced during his tenure. From horrific natural disasters to amazing miracle cures, it sounds like you’ve had quite the ride.

Just the other day, my cousin, Decade, was reminiscing about the good old days. She told me how technology caught on like wildfire during her time, and proudly outlined how far you’ve come since that silly rumor circulated that suggested Y2K would mark the end of the world. I hear that old rumor is being recycled. Hmmm.

But what really captured my attention is a conversation that I had with my grandparents. They’ve been watching, and are astonished by how you’re treating one another. Grandma Century told me she expected that bullying and harassment would have stopped by now. “It’s such archaic, nasty behavior,” she said. And Grandpa Era … well, he nearly rolled over when he saw how cruel people can be online. He actually asked, “What ever happened to looking someone in the eye and being thoughtful?” I don’t know, Gramps.

Do you remember our dear friends Respect, Integrity and Kindness? They’ve been away, and called last week to let me know they’re coming back. I’m so excited! They said they’re tired of lying low, and asked me to let you know that this time they’re here to stay. It seems like forever since we’ve seen them!  Oh ya, they’re driving all the way here with Patience. I bet you haven’t seen him on the road for a while!

Get this. The HR Department made a surprise announcement the other day that Professionalism is coming back to work! That’s so awesome! There’s talk that High Standards might also be returning, but no one’s willing to confirm it.

On the home front, I’ve decided that 2012 is the year to evict Greed. He simply doesn’t belong in our community anymore. To take his place I invited Gratitude to move in, right next door to Courtesy. They have both signed long-term leases.

Between you & me, my new little sister, 2013, is expected to arrive in about 52 weeks. The scary part is that my parents are relying on me to make sure I get our home in tip-top shape before she comes along. My mom and dad, Will and Grace, won’t let up! Their exact words were, “2012, we expect you to create a civil world for your sister to live in.” Talk about a tall order!

The thing is, I don’t want to let them down. The only way I can see to get this all done is with your help. Are you in? Good. Here’s what I need you to do:

Clean up your own back yard – Not to sound cliché or anything, but before you criticize the behavior of others, work on your own.

Build a solid community – Become actively involved in your neighborhood and keep an eye out for one another.

Respond to telephone calls & e-mails promptly – Show people that they matter by replying to their requests in a timely manner.

Spend quality time with others – Slow down, listen and share.

Show up on time – Do whatever you must to ensure that people never have to wait for you or your promises again. Ever.

Make your life a gossip-free, whine-free and bully-free zone – Those qualities don’t look good on anyone.

Treat yourself and others well – Show others how you’d like to be treated by treating them and yourself with respect and care.

Be authentic – It’s time to lose your veneer and show people who you really are, not who you think they want to see.

Slow Down – Take more time to get where you’re going ~ on the road, in your life and with your decisions.

Say please and thank you – Enough said.

Honor the earth & keep her healthy – Do your part to keep our environment clean.

Live your life like you mean it – As my family always says, “The Years go by quickly” (it’s an inside joke). Before you know it, you’ll be at the other end of this chapter of your life. Live it with Passion.

We don’t have much time together, so let’s get at it. You do your part and I’ll do mine. Feel free to stay in touch – I welcome your ideas, and look forward to receiving your annual newsletter at the end of my contract on December 31st! Until then, take care.

Best,

2012

So, there you have it. A letter from 2012. How cool is that? The next question is, what are you going to do with it?

Sue Jacques is The Civility CEO™, an executive consultant who helps individuals & businesses gain confidence, earn respect and create courteous corporate cultures.

www.TheCivilityCEO.com

Do you have a conundrum for The Civility CEO™? Please send it to advice@TheCivilityCEO.com. Your question could be featured in an upcoming post!

©Copyright 2012 Sue Jacques ~ The Civility CEO™. All rights reserved. You are welcome to copy, quote or share as long as the content is intact and the writer is credited. Thank you!

I was a death investigator long before death was cool. Years before television glorified forensics, I was examining bodies, notifying families of the death of a loved one and serving as an expert witness in court. For almost two decades of my life, the science of death fascinated me. But not as much as the behaviors, lifestyles and choices of the people whose deaths I investigated.

In the world of forensics, I saw things that can never be described. Living conditions that are the exact opposite of what you and I are used to. And I’m not just referring to homelessness and hovels. I’m also talking about deplorable emotional and psychological conditions that, from the outside looking in, you’d never, ever imagine. Horrible, sad, invisible, fatal disrespect.

I’ve seen people suffer from work conditions that overwhelmed them to the point where the only way out they could see was to end their lives. I’ve read hundreds of suicide notes that described, in disturbing detail, the raw emotional results of bullying, unkindness and discrimination. And I’ve heard stories about corporate incivility that would break your heart. Stories that came straight from the mouths of those who remained after someone they loved died as a result of it.

I have also seen magnificent, beautiful examples of love, friendship, support, companionship, understanding, caring, courage and survival that have humbled my heart beyond words.

Naturally, people think it’s horrible or disturbing or scary to work with death for a living. It’s not. Every time I looked at a body, I saw it as a home for the soul.

Yet we forfeit our soul’s home when we get caught up in our ‘stuff’.  Hey, I’m no different – I love collecting items of quality. But believe me, none of it comes with us when we’re gone. I’ve seen thousands of human hearts, and not one – not one – has been diamond-encrusted or logo-embossed. Those ones – the external hearts that shimmer and gleam – are left behind on the countertop, in a safe, or tucked away in the top drawer after the body’s been removed.

It’s the hearts I couldn’t see that so deeply touched me. The broken hearts of the people who were left behind to grieve the loss of a loved one. The morphed hearts of parents who would forever wonder what their child might have become. The love-filled hearts of those who were grateful for a lifetime of devotion. And the lonely hearts – members of an exclusive club that no one wants to belong to.

That’s why I believe we each have two hearts; a physical heart and a spiritual heart. One, the organ, is tangible. It dies when life ceases. The other one – the spiritual heart – never dies. It lives forever in the hearts, minds, memories and souls of others. No one can tuck that heart away.

Too many of us don’t take care of our spiritual hearts. We let them wither, harden, and beat without care. We get busy adorning our exterior – sometimes to reveal ourselves and sometimes to disguise ourselves – and in the process we lose ourselves. When that happens, we run the risk of becoming nasty, self-centered and disrespectful.

One thing that I know for certain I learned from both death and life. And that is that it matters, it really, truly matters, how we treat ourselves and how we treat one another. It’s simply not worth it to be unkind.

Like you, I know what it’s like to work with a jerk. I understand what it’s like to feel out of place. And, on more than one occasion, I’ve found myself without a clue about what to say, what to do, or what to wear. That’s why I do what I do now – help people gain confidence and earn respect. I am on a mission to reverse rudeness and create courteous corporate cultures because I’ve witnessed the death of civility, and I believe that I have a responsibility – a calling, if you will – to do something about it.

Businesses need to be reminded that they, too, have a heart. Because without one, they simply become people mills – like puppy mills, but with human lives. Leaders (and if you’re reading this I suspect you’re a leader), have to lead by example. How do you do that?  By having zero tolerance for discourtesy, apathy, lateness, poor quality and sloppiness in your workplace. After all, when you lower your standards do you lower your fees?

Some people say that what I share are ‘soft skills’. Trust me, they’re some of the hardest – and most valuable – skills you’ll ever learn.

Remember this: there is  never one place where we suddenly land and finally get it ‘right’. This glorious journey we’re on is not about right and wrong. It is about growth, evolution and understanding.

Life is one, big, beautiful adventure. Yet we procrastinate. And every time we do, we put our lives on hold. I know very well that there may not be a tomorrow for me. That’s why I live my life boldly today. And I urge you to do the same. Don’t wait another second – go for it!

Sue Jacques is The Civility CEO™, a corporate civility consultant and professional speaker who helps individuals & businesses gain confidence, earn respect and create courteous corporate cultures.

www.TheCivilityCEO.com

©Copyright 2011 Sue Jacques ~ The Civility CEO™. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share as long as the content is intact and the writer is credited.  Thank you!